What exactly wouldn't I understand?

One of my closest friends is either breaking off his friendship with me, or breaking down. Either way, I can't stop it. I just wish I had a definitive answer. Twice in the past weeks he's initiated contact, set up a time to meet, then texted at the last minute (the same excuse) that he can't make it. I hate this. I had a boyfriend years ago who did the same thing, only the dates were complicated by the fact I had to fly myself and my daughter halfway around the world to meet, only to have him cancel by email at the last possible minute. Passive aggressive?  You betcha.

Right now I am concentrating on being open and honest, qualities which are hard for me to employ. I don't want to point fingers and sob, "It's my Mommy's fault! My daddy mastered passive aggression!" (Trust me, there was nothing passive about his aggression: he loathed little children and let us know on a frequent and hands-on basis.) I'm trying to be honest at work, about the mess that is the situation there, without being negative or judgmental. I'm trying to be honest about my own unpleasantness and addictions, such as sulking and cookie binges, and I'm trying to be honest about my feelings for my friend, who has been a friend for many many years, a rarity in a community of expats. It occurs to me that while I am a friend to him, he's not much of a friend to me, in the sense of  "He'll be there for me at three in the morning." Hell, there are times when it takes him five days to respond to a text regarding the business we're in, or if I send something I may get a terse reply that clearly galls him to have to write. On the plus side, when we do get together it's relaxing, and charming, and fun, although I'm exhausted by the time he leaves. Our relationship consists mostly of getting together for a meal, watching some bad film no one else can stand and criticizing it freely.

If he's depressed, well, there's something I understand, having gone through two severe depressions in my life, one post-partum. Depression can be a chemical unbalance (like post-partum) or situational: sometimes depression is, I believe, the body's response to an overwhelming crisis or trauma and I think it's actually part of a healing cycle. So, Buddy, if you're depressed, I'm there for you. If you are thinking I'm bad for you and don't want to be friends, would you kindly get off your ass and tell me this? What part of "Depressed, so fuck off" or "I hate your face" do you think I am incapable of understanding?