Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's...

So, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and as you are all aware, I do not have a boyfriend. This being the case, a co-worker at Mysterious Job Number Two questioned why I was happy about it being St. V's day, and why this would prompt me to bake peppermint brownies. (Recipe to follow.)

First of all, he's not getting any (brownies, that is.) Don't question my traditions. I like to bake, I have to work, it's a holiday, and I have to use up the Hershey Candy Cane Christmas Kisses  soon, before I remember they're in the house and start devouring them. Second of all, what is more soothing to the soul than the smell of baking chocolate? I don't actually enjoy eating brownies as much as I enjoy smelling and making them. Right now my neighbors are pea-green with envy from the delectable smells arising from my microwave. They've been poos, and I won't give them any, either. One I will cut and wrap up for my pregnant friend Coco (it's for her little Cocoa Bean, as I have dubbed the unborn one) and the rest go to work, where I will fling them on a table prior to sitting down to my Mysterious Job Number Two. With luck, they will be eaten quickly without any asshole comments (such as, "I didn't know they'd be sweet" or "What mix is this?" or "Do these have, like, chocolate in them? Because I'm like totally allergic.") but I'm not holding my breath.

I dined on deep-fried bits of meat done by Ayi, left thoughtfully on  plate covered by a bowl in the kitchen, just for me. I wasn't really hungry, but if I don't eat up what Ayi leaves for me the day she leaves it, she will feed it to the dogs for breakfast. (Revenge, thy name is  Passive Agressive Women .) BTW, if you make breaded pork cutlets, you completely change the experince by throwing in some toasted cumin seed into the breading. Really changes things up. I like nice plain food on occasion---potato pancakes with sour cream and applesauce, for example, and lately I've been craving Ranch Dressing. The pork cutlets with cumin, however, sort of jolted me out of this and into a different palate of taste.

Brownies: These microwave BEAUTIFULLY. Melt 9 tablespoons of butter (half-cup plus one tablespoon). You can nuke it or do in on the stove top, but whatever you do, you must let it get back to room temperature before you mix in other ingredients. Otherwise, as wiser women than I have noted, your brownies will be very heavy and kind of dry. Since you're nuking these, and it's awfully easy to dry out anything being nuked, err on the side of caution and leave the stuff strictly alone for at least ten minutes. Go do your nails or something while it's cooling off. (This also gives any toast crumbs that may have accidentally been scooped into the pan a chance to settle, so you can fish them out.) Don't use bacon grease or olive oil. Bacon, which is actually delightful with chocolate, does not enliven baked goods (although it's a marvel on a Maple Bar.) Olive oil and chocolate--not a good combo either. If you have to go cholesterol-free, just don't bother with this recipe and make yourself some hot fudge (zero fat, if you use skim milk) and pour it on some fat-free ice milk and be happy.

When you return, stir in a cup and a half of white sugar, three eggs, a generous dollop of vanilla (at least a teaspoon, but not a tablespoon) and a pinch of salt. If you have the time and patience, you can then beat the shit out of this until it's light and fluffy and glossy and pours like a ribbon, which will ensure brownies with a lovely  meringue-like top. If you're me, you say the hell with it as you don't even have a proper wooden spoon anymore (thank you, Blessed Herbs Colon Cleanse) or some big-ass fancy mixer and so you just mix it up until it's fairly smooth and no yucky yellow lumps are showing. Now add 9 tablespoons of cocoa (that's a half-cup plus one tablespoon)   and stir in 12 tablespoons of flour, which is 3/4 of a cup or a half-cup plus a quarter cup or a half-cup plus four tablespoons (I spell this out as some of the women in my family are not really good at maths.) Gentle fold this in--do not beat--and as soon as it's more-or-less incorporated, pour it into a greased  and floured ( or cocoa'd) microwaveable pan--8 by 8 inches is good, but a round pie pan made of Pyrex is even better, as you can slice it into pie wedges when finished. Regardless, spread it in the pan, then sprinkle a bunch of cut-up Hershey Candy Cane Christmas Kisses  on top: sort of squish them in a bit so they're not all at the very top. Nuke on high power for six minutes, then check: done? Still squishy? Try another minute. Then another. Keep going until it's more or less set in the middle. There will indeed be some slightly wet places when you pull it out but these will dry up a few minutes out of the oven, because it's still cooking a bit. If you have used Pyrex (and I HEART THE STUFF!) the glass will retain quite a bit of heat and give your brownies a more finished appearance. Truthfully, you should let the stuff cool before attacking it. I mentioned earlier that I don't really like to eat brownies--I get a sugar rush, then I get cranky, and then I need a nap which is filled with my recurring dream of speeding along back country roads in search of a house I can call my own...I've had this dream so often that I know which road to take to go to which house and yet I somehow never get inside any of the houses...

These brownies are plain, simple, good, and can be dolled up a number of ways, such as using brown sugar and rum (instead of the vanilla), adding nuts, adding dollops of peanut butter, using a different liquor in place of the vanilla, using crushed-up peppermint sticks, adding a tablespoon of espresso powder, mint chocolate chips, plain semi-sweet chips, peanut butter chips, ad nauseum. They're the sub to a dominatrix dessert menu: they seem sweet and submissive but when all is said and done, they're really just there to make you their bitch. (That's probably why I don't eat them: I may empower someone, but I don't like to relinquish it.) (And that probably explains why I don't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.)

Happy Saint Valentine's Day to all of you: may you remember with gratitude and not a small amount of surprise how many people truly love you, warts and all.