At the beauty parlor:
Speaker: well-dressed, educated, well-spoken British woman drinking champagne: I've learned so much living in Asia! For example, the nails on one hand don't have to be the same exact length as the nails on your other hand! Because no one ever sees your two hands together at the same time. So if you break a nail you don't have to file them all down!
At a restaurant:
Speaker: American woman with enormous breasts, tucking into a plate of beautifully carved fruit: Eating well gives me the strength to diet.
At a job interview:
Speaker; me, sniffing: I don't want to live anywhere hot enough to grow bananas!
Over lunch:
Speaker; male colleague, saying this to me during a meal in which I have just tearfully confessed to breaking up with my boyfriend and feeling very very miserable about it: I hate everyone gassing about their family! It really makes me feel bad to hear people go on and on about what I don't have. Such bad manners. It's so insensitive when people rub your face in what they have and you don't have. I'm divorced and I don't have my kids or wife around. Thank God I can go home and have my sexy Chinese girlfriend waiting for me in the bedroom.
At an English competition:
Speaker: very well known person in the linguistics field, addressing room full of contestants: We encourage all of you to enter the future by speaking Chinglish!
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