Missing

I miss so much--the smell of rain hitting the Beijing streets, the wondrous quiet of cruising down the alley ways at three a.m. on my noiseless electric bike, getting together with friends for dinner and the chaos that ensues when one of them can't remember how to say the name of the place in Chinese...

I miss having a wide circle of acquaintances, of having a creative partner who got my artistic vision and helped to put my ideas onto film, of meeting for cocktails in swank hotels and giggling over the events of the day. I miss my friends so much that I cannot even open Facebook anymore, because to see updates causes me an enormous amount of pain. 

Last year I was dumped by someone I truly loved, and for a month or so I could not even hear music without extreme pain. Now I can't stand to think of my life in China without wanting to curl into a ball and cry. My mother is ill, I'm here: I don't see her as much as I should, because I'm trying to find a job, and I have this household to run, no easy task as I'm not just keeping a house clean but putting organization into a god-awful mess of a house that was run by bachelors for more than ten years. 

I adore my boyfriend most of the time, except when he's being a dick (roughly one hour out of four) but--how I miss my independence and freedom and the way I could step outside my apartment and find something fascinating going on any time of the day or night. Remember when I bought the huge turtle to save him from being eaten, and put him in Granny's pond in her garden? No, of course you don't, because you weren't there. Nobody here knew me there. 

I've heard one of my dearest friends is repatriating and I cannot wait to see her, because she's one of my horcruxes, holding a splinter of the soul I left behind. I don't know how long I can stand living in the US or how long I need to. I wish I could scoop up the boyfriend and go home to Beijing, because I cannot imagine being without him. I wish my parents would magically be well enough not to need me around. So many wishes, and no real knowledge. All I know is that I let someone break my heart, and it set off a chain reaction and here I am, trying very hard not to remember what it's like to glide in utter stillness down ancient avenues in the darkest of nights, deeply aware of my soul expanding in the silence.