Update: How Fat White Guys Get Laid in China

Update! Special alert! I have written far too much about white men being treated like gods in China by the local women and I swore to leave that topic forever. However, I did have an update I think is worthy of posting: according to a friend, if you go to Maggie's early in the evening, there are no women there.

My new friend Thor reports that he went to Maggie's on my recommendation and there was not one single chick there. Not one. It was full of mostly white men in various stages of attractiveness: some young and thin, some old and fat, some well dressed, all with different expressions of hopefulness and disappointment playing on their features. It was only nine in the evening, but it was a Saturday night. So go figure. He finally left. However, my friend Little Nicky (yes, that's really his name) went in around three a.m. and claims he scooped up two for the price of one. (He said, rather gallantly, that they're all fairly attractive after you take out your contact lenses, beer goggles be damned.)

So I don't know. I'm kind of old and I don't spend much time in night clubs unless I'm watching a friend perform or having a gig myself, the latter happening very rarely these days. I think I should actually go to Maggie's myself and I've asked my friend The Rose to arrange for us to broadcast one of his shows out of there so we can report on the action blow-by-blow, so to speak. If nothing else, I can write about the food as I understand they serve a hell of a hotdog. That's not code for anything, I hear they do have good food and that's about my only interest, aside from checking out the ladies and the skanky men who frequent the bar. So afraid I'll bump into a former boss there...well, as long as it isn't a student's parent, everything should be fine.

Dear Best Friend

     Caution to all the single ladies: If you hang out with married men, at some point at least one of them will decide he's in love with you, tell you so, kiss you passionately, then drop you like a hot potato due to guilt. He won't even ask you what YOU want and he will probably be a lousy kisser to boot, hoovering you into his face with his lips before tearing himself wetly away, bursting into tears and saying how he would NEVER cheat on his wife, no sir, NEVER. Well, yeah, he would never cheat on his wife with YOU, that is, but you damn well know is a lie, because he sticks his dick into anything with a skirt when he's on the road, and you KNOW THIS because he has told you so many many times,  and the girls he has stuck it to have occasionally ended up crying uncontrollably on your sofa.

     The worst part: You can't call your best friend and tell him about this asshole, because he IS that asshole, and if you have to work together at some point in the future--say, at some TV show---there will be many many long and awkward silences. If you think his outburst of passion has something to do with the fact that you just then were confiding in him about this cute guy you have a crush on, you're probably right. Dog in the manger syndrome is alive and well, even for the over forty set.

     Oh, yeah: and if you had a date to do something together, say, go to a fancy dress event, you will have to go alone (if you still have your ticket) and listen to many people whisper about you behind your well-dressed back. So: I don't want to be alone again, but I have enough integrity not to steal away a married man, even one that actually wanted me. And that's my story of March.