Vice Cream Gateway to Harder Drugs

Vice Cream Gateway to Harder Drugs

Parents and fat chicks are in an uproar over the latest addition to milk bars and dairy cases across Australia. In a world where literally thousands of children starve to death every year, Australians have a deeper concern.

“It’s those bloody Vodka Cranberry Magnum ice creams,” 40-year old Suzie Knox sobbed helplessly, her ankles puffing over the tops of her skin tight white socks. “I can’t control myself. Two of those and I’m ready for the hot fudge sauce.”

Miss Knox’s foster parents nod sagely.

”It’s true," surrogate parent Jan Cochaud states flatly. “One or two bars and the next thing we know, she’s knee-deep in Arnott’s TV Snacks. We’re that worried that she’s going to start going for the hard stuff, dark chocolate, next.” She pauses. “Or worse.”

Other parents express their concerns. “I don’t even want to think about what happens with those damned Tim Tams," high school teacher Scott Wallace adds. “When those walk in the door, healthy snacks like Meat Pies fly straight out the frickin’ window. Even in a safe place like Mount Wycheproof.”

As child obesity rates soar, parents do well to worry that the addictive flavors of Tia Maria Tim Tams and Kahlua Slices will draw children away from traditional fare such as full-fat cheese and steamed golden pudding towards snack foods with a darker edge.

Lucy Y (not her real name) knows all about it. At the tender age of 12, Lucy has forsworn Barbie for delights of a more forbidden nature.

“It started innocently enough, “ she says, picking at a sore spot on her chin. “A few Jelly Babies here, a handful of Smarties there. But one day, I had a few of those Tia Maria Tim Tams and the next thing I knew, I was a goner. Soon, I was scarfing down a pack a day. Then two. But it wasn’t enough. Next thing I knew, I was shoplifting Cherry Ripes. Then even that wasn’t enough. I got on to the Crunchies then. Yeah, the hard stuff. One day, I did so many I totally scraped off the roof of my mouth. When I saw how I’d cut my mouth to ribbons, I knew I needed help.”