Yes, I do listen to Prairie Home Companion and yes, I have just lifted--and possibly mauled--the opening line to Garrison Keillor's weekly monologue (available as a podcast for free, even) but it sort of defines how I did this week. I was on a high coming back from Inner Mongolia (fabulous city) and now I'm sitting in my apartment in a clean-ish t-shirt going through more boxes of my daughter's crap, Star Wars on the big-screen, while I sigh over each item. There are moments when I miss my daughter acutely and when I realize that I really am on my own from here on out. Sometimes this is a good feeling, and sometimes it's just scary.
I have had a few moments of startling clarity which have enabled me to a) dump out a lot of crap such as old test papers and birthday cards and b) dump out a lot of crap such as an old friend who has not treated me well. It is the latter which I regret--the loss of friendship needs to be mourned, and intermingled with the feeling of loss is the feeling of "What the hell was I THINKING, letting that go on?" I can't go into details--not for fear of Old Friend reading the blog, but for other privacy issues, such as the basic fact that good manners dictate not saying too much. Oh, sure, I'll blog about the weird-ass orgy I was invited to (should I be flattered? Or insulted? FYI, I didn't go, because once you go to one, even as an observant non-participating journalist, word will get around and you'll NEVER meet a decent man in this town) but over personal relationships--sometimes there is a veil best left undisturbed.
So, on to Star Wars. I did not realize as a teenager that Lucas cast a lot of people who can't act (Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher and a handful of magnificent others aside.) It wasn't until the OTHER trilogy came out that it hit me--why, some of the leads were terrible! (Actors who played Anakin--both the young kid and the teenager/adult, I'm looking at you.) And what the hell is it with this Boba Fett character? Is he integral to the plot? What the hell did I miss by watching bad copies on VCD filmed in Malaysian theatres by hand-held cameras? Why do I think "Boba Fett" is some type of cheese or a middle Eastern salad? (Fatoush--yuuuuuuum.) What was up with the Clone Wars? Do I really have to watch the damn cartoon to get the link? I sat and watched all of Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 yesterday while nursing that bad back (yeah, yeah, quit lifting boxes) and while I finally got how he links into the original trilogy (aka "The Good One") I couldn't for the life of me recall much of the plot lines of the other trilogy. Yeah, he has a clone. Yeah, he has something to do with the Clone Army. Yeah, Hayden Christenson grows up to be Darth Vadar. All I could think of was, "So?" And another thing: I remember some of the tunes in "Return of the Jedi" as being distinctly different, particularly the final victory song of the Ewoks, where it sounded as if they were singing "Celebrate the Light." What was that flutey thing they were dancing to in this version, huh?
Star Wars 4, a New Hope, came out the summer I was thirteen and I remember every minute of that first viewing. The theatre was packed, the audience was enraptured and very vocal, and I sat next to my Mom and Dad and best friend, Cindy Jean Eichelberger, and barely understood anything. But I loved it, and went back as often as I could all summer, until I finally could understand their names and the plot lines. (Poor diction, bad acoustics.) It's 33 years later, more or less, and I'm watching it again, but the thrill is gone. This is a week of loss and regret and sorting and saving and determining what stays and what goes, both physically and spiritually. If I could keep that excitement and joy, I would, and I hope I have: but I am done with other people's bullying and negligence and if that means I'm as alone now as I was at 13, so be it.
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