Charming Chinese Pictures

Let's get this place all clean for Comrade Zanne!



I'm sorry, I don't have time to play right now! Let me finish my homework first.

What's Going On

Ah, moving, that delightful annual occurence which makes a rectal exam by a ham-fisted novice a comparative walk in the park...It was horrible, and complicated by the fact that some asshole had parked his car illegally, half on the street, half on the sidewalk, thus making it impossible for the moving van to enter the compound where I live...the management office was called and they flat-out refused to notify the owner of the car to move his damn vehicle as--and I quote--he OWNS his apartment while I am merely renting. In the six-hour standoff, a compromise was reached: the asshole remained an asshole, and lucky little me got to pay for a van to shuttle the stuff in, with a new team of movers in place to take the things out of the big moving van, load them into the little moving van, drive it down the street to my compound, then unload it and carry it up the stairs. By the time this was accomplished, no one (no mover, that is) gave a rat's ass about what went where and I found after they left that all my clothes had been dumped into shelves willy-nilly and that many pieces were missing. Apparently during the shuttle a few boxes broke open, my clothes were scattered on the pavement, and during the picking up process, no one gave a damn if passer-bys scooped stuff up for themselves. But I'm moved, and I have three delightful neighbors and one crazy bitch whom I shall post about--a lot--under the name of The Mad Hatter. However, I will have virtually no access to internet for the next two or three weeks, so if you want me, you'll have to call.

Tinky Asshat and Other Bad Choices

Resolved over cocktails last night:

For some reason, the bigger the foreign asshole, the more likely he will choose to have the word "dragon" in his Chinese name. Major asshats we know and don't love have named themselves Big Dragon, Dragon Wind (now THERE's something to be scared of) and Little Dragon. I do know one Little Dragon of whom I am quite fond, but the name was chosen for him because it's closest to his surname, Long.

What the ladies had to say: Very inventive, guys. We are so impressed by your superior knowledge of Chinese culture. You know what? Want to show off what you really  know? How about you name yourselves CHOPSTICKS! At least they're Asian, whereas the dragon is found in European mythology as well.

What our Chinese names are; not anything to do with dragons, thank you. I did have a pretty appalling moniker when I was married, however: I still spelled my name with an "X", as in Xanne. (Yeah, Alexandra. Shut up. And don't call me Sandy! I only let Gina Guida write that on my name tag the first day of third grade because the idiot couldn't remember how to write an "X" and I've suffered from it ever since.) My married Chinese surname; Du. As in, altogether now-- Xanne Du. Xanadu! I couldn't wait to get that name changed fast enough, let me tell you, especially when people started referring to me as "Xannadon't." My current nickname: Xanax. As in, many people wish I had some.

Worst "English" names ever: Tinky Asshat, his wife Flesh, and their son Prince. Tinky because the man liked little Tinky Winky from Teletubbies, and "Ass Hat" because his pocket translator translated the characters of his name--Liu, and Mao, as "Ass" (as in "Donkey") and "Hat" (as in "Hat.") "Flesh" is the unfortunate result of bad pronuncation and a Summer's Eve commercial, and Prince is just Prince. I've written before about my students Ballet and Pony (both male) and girls named Keller (after Helen Keller.) I've known Joyknow and Cathy (pronounced "Casey") and the scads of Helens and Janes. My favorite odd name: I had to interview someone for a TV show whose English name was Caligula, and who assured me in low creepy tones that "He didn't indulge in the eating of flesh." (Much to Tinky's relief, eh?) For the record, cocktails consisted of "Pineapple water served in your fresh coconut hell" with appetizers of "Minge Pie." Had he been there, Caligula wouldn't have been interested, which meant a good time was had by all, for sure.